Kayla on Dirty Dancing

Transcript

Exactly as spoken. Tap a line to play from there. Contains explicit language.

Okay y'all, so I finally got around to watching this ridiculous movie, Dirty Dancing. And girl, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. So apparently it's a romantic drama about a seventeen year old girl named "Baby", and yes girl, heavy on the "Baby."

So the movie's about this little girl that falls in love with a working class dance instructor named Johnny while she's on summer vacation with her family. And I guess this story's supposed to be a Romeo and Juliet type of tale for people who want to dance, they could have fooled me.

Because they want us to think that the problem is that these are just two innocent star crossed lovers from two different social classes. But nah girl, that ain't the problem.

The problem is that she's seventeen and he's what, sixty seven? I mean I get it, we ain't supposed to know what Johnny's actual age is supposed to be.

But child, it don't take a rocket scientist to know Johnny's ass is a birthday or two away from filing for Social Security. Like girl, I couldn't get past the fact that this man looks like he remembers the day World War II ended.

y'all, they know they dead ass wrong for naming that little girl "Baby." Y'all ain't fooling me honey. I see what y'all doing. Y'all was out here straight normalizing Billionaire Island behavior.

Because y'all can't be serious talking about, "her daddy is mad because Johnny grown ass is from a different social class," "and not because his teenage daughter is running around with a man that's already passed his midlife crisis."

So of course they fall in love, and Johnny come back for the talent show, does a fake ass Chris Brown impression, and win everybody over with this iconic lift.

But girl, I ain't going to lie, I've seen better dancing from Olympic break dancers. But they want us to believe that all it takes is some slick dance moves for everybody to forget that Johnny ass needs to be investigated.

Because basically, the moral of the story is that if you can dance good enough, then it'll help fathers everywhere forget that you robbing the cradle. I wouldn't be surprised if this was R Kelly's favorite movie.

But nah for real, because I'm a need somebody to explain to me why the main conflict was Johnny being broke, and not why this grown man dancing with a baby. Heavy on the baby.

Girl, the only thing good about that entire movie is that it's about white people. Because could you imagine how mad Black people would be if the story centered around a Black man with two mortgages that could bust a move right into the pants of a teenage girl?

Exactly. So yeah, I'm glad they like it, because after all, they ain't like us anyway. Right, Kendrick? Anyways, that's why I don't like Dirty Dancing.